Ok class; please solve the following equation for me:
(Bud + Will) + Wii U x 12 minigames + caffeine = ?
If you answered, “chaos,” please go stand in the hallway. You’re right, mind you, but I always wanted to say that. Anyways, onwards! To chaos!
Bud picked up a Wii U and it came with Nintendo Land, a collection of 12 mini games. Some of these were cooperative, some competitive, some solitary endeavors. Bud and Will would go at it, head to head in a few of these for fun and bragging rights. We’ll cover most of the games in a series of articles, starting today.
Game One: Mario Chase
Bud was Mario, Will was Toad, as Toad chased Mario with his team of Yoshi Carts. First thing’s first: those Yoshi Carts suck. Seriously. They’re too fast, too accurate, and they frickin’ lick you to death. Can you imagine a worse way to go? Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah – Bud and Will.
Here’s the the short version: Bud lost. The long version isn’t much longer – Bud ran like a nut for 1:45 out of the two minutes he had to escape in. He had to elude Toad and those damned Yoshi Carts for a full two minutes. It’s impossible.
When Will took his turn and eluded Bud until the Super Star appeared at the middle of the map. Will bolted for it, Bud camped it, and Mario got tackled. Toad wins again. Toad always wins.
When they took to the side-based map #3, Bud tried his hardest to be sneaky. Here’s a word to the wise: Bud is NOT sneaky. At all. Anyway, he was almost away with under 30 seconds to go when Will snuck down a slide ahead of Bud and Toad tackled Mario again. Toad sucks.
Will: How does mario compare to a toad in a maze when the toad is as slow as the grass ..
Bud: About par. Mario can’t outrun anything. Take away his jumping and fire flower and he’s a just another fat plumber.
Will: Too true, the toad must be able to hop. In another case what’s with the dumb mario hat?
Bud: It’s trademarked. He can’t take it off anymore because if he did, again – just another fat plumber. No one would give a damn about him anymore. Besides, don’t all toads hop? Frogs, too.
Will: A trademark of what, Nintendo or the dumb ass who thinks plumbers where a chef hat? And the frog/toad does jump, but you would think that the tubby plumber would too, at least a slight bounce.
Bud: The only thing bouncing on him is the belly.
Will: Well, he should land on his belly.
Bud: If only he would. If only he would…
Will: If he did all the ground would be pulverized by his tubby body.
Bud: … What were we supposed to be talking about again? I forget.
Will: The fat plumber on a chase.
Bud: That’s right, Mario Chase, that game we done played.What did you think of it?
Will: It was an experience of great patience and slow Marios, but I liked it. How ‘bout you?
Bud: A game of patience? No wonder I sucked at it. I like it, too. I want to see Mario win someday. I don’t think they even programmed in a win sequence for him. They figured it would never happen, so they didn’t bother.
Will: All in all it was a blast in literal terms as well as theory.
Bud: And just like that, bang! We’re done here. Later, all.