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I have been an anime fan for a long time now, and one of the first series I got hooked on back in my school days was Dragon Ball Z. At the time I started watching the show had been airing for some time and was in the middle of the Frieza arc, so my sister and I would try and figure it out to no avail. It eventually became far more fun not knowing what was going on as we would ascribe random motives and traits to the characters and basically made up our own storyline. After eventually watching it from the start I have to say that our made-up story was at least as fun and made just about as much sense as the real thing. I haven’t seen an episode of DBZ (or read any of the manga for that matter) in probably 10 years now, so when Dragon Ball Xenoverse launched in February I figured I would pick it up for nostalgia’s sake. What started as a lark has became a personal crusade – a crusade against Saiyans.

You start Dragon Ball Xenoverse by creating your own character. I was going to be a Saiyan myself, if only for the Super Saiyan transformations. As I was designing my would-be hero, it started to eat away at me that all of the most powerful characters in the Dragon Ball’s universe were Saiyans. You can also be a Nameckian (green, regenerating aliens), one of Frieza’s kind, a kin of Buu (think a pink blob of death), or a lowly human. I thought about all of the poor humans in the story left behind, power-wise over the course of events, and felt bad for them. It was then decided that I was going to stand up for humanity, and take down the Saiyan-dominated DBZ power monopoly. Look out monkey-men, here comes Cola.

Dragon Ball Xenoverse

Yeah, so I wasn’t feeling terribly creative when I named the Champion of Humanity. I had a Coke can in my hand while thinking, and the rest, as they say, is history. I decided in character creation that Cola was to be a balanced ranged and melee fighter, but when Trunks challenged me to a duel to test my might, my selection of ranged attacks were rather pathetic so I stuck to just trying to pound his head in manually. After proving myself to him I joined the “Time Force,” a group dedicated to preserving time as we know it from dangerous blah blah blah. All I wanted to do was get stronger so I could beat up all of the Saiyans and make humanity proud, but Trunks insists that I help him save the world. I tell him that I will pitch in during my free time, but no promises – I have a grander mission here than your simple “save everyone and everything” nonsense.

Dragon Ball Xenoverse

Nice jacket

It turns out that I actually can’t just run up to the Goku, Radditz, Vegeta, etc. and pick a fight to prove my worth. I have to unlock them through Trunks’ infernal Time Force quests, so it’s with much reluctance that I march back to him and agree to cooperate, but only until I achieve my goals.

I pop back in time and wouldn’t you know it, my first target, Radditz, is right there waiting on me. What a cooperative soul he is! He’s fighting Goku and Piccolo, and I’m supposed to help them defeat him. Goku, for one, shows his characteristic naiveté and over-eagerness to trust folks when I arrive. I’ll tell him my goal is to beat the daylights out of him later, because for right now I need his help.

Dragon Ball Xenoverse

Sure. You keep telling yourself that

It’s an easy win for the three of us (Goku’s kid Gohan pitched in at the end) and, as is canonical, Goku is now dead. Radditz is too, so technically I guess I’m two-for-two in besting Saiyans, but this was a hollow victory. I had to have help to defeat Radditz, and I didn’t kill Goku, Piccolo did. As I head back to Trunks to report success, I am wondering how I am ever going to get a fair fight. I explore Toki-Toki village for the first real time, and what do I find but a station where I can set up battles, one-on-one with anyone I had encountered. Goku is there, as is Radditz, but the last two pieces of my Saiyan-slaying plan, Nappa and Vegeta were not, so it was back to Trunks to keep defending time in the name of egotistical personal gain.

It was rather anticlimactic. Nappa falls quickly, and even though Vegeta goes ape on us, he too is brought down with minimal fuss. Now, aside from Trunks (who I give a pass since I already beat him one-on-one at the start of the game), I have all of my victims lined up for one-on-one combat. Where should I fight them though? I can just pick random places to fight, or go somewhere they had an iconic battle to finish them off. I eventually hit upon a great plan, one that I feel is equal parts fair and canonical, if not terribly original – I will face them one-on-one on the World Tournament stage. Tune in next time to see if I succeed and give humanity hope, or succumb to my own hubris.